Marching Orders (m)

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By 'M' Club Minister of Information on 14:14:38 10/09/02

Dear Buckeyes:

It is with deep concern that I address you today. After years of success in our campaign to spread the Blue Credo, I must now report some disturbing trends.

It seems that despite our best efforts, many among you are openly - and with unrepentant passion - praising your team and your coach. This new development is wholly unacceptable. A cornerstone of our rhetoric is the charge that Ohio State fans always complain about their coach and are never happy with their players. If you don't cease being so frightfully positive - and soon! - our propaganda mission will suffer tremendous damage. Please don't let that happen.

The internal strife among Michigan Men has only served to exacerbate the problem. Whereas we once were as happy as blue pigs in maize slop to hear ridicule of a scarlet-clad quarterback, our supporters now have exposed as absurd the notion that Wolverine fans are above that sort of thing. Young John Navarre is the subject of incessant scorn; the jig is up. Furthermore, criticism of our coach is spiking and another loss will speed the process. Disaster looms.

"But what can I do to help?" you might ask. It's simple, really. Find something - anything - about which to complain. Since we find praise of two particular people even more galling than praise of other Buckeyes, we prefer that you direct most of your venom at these two targets: Coach Jim Tressel and his evil underling, Maurice Clarett.

The ideal line of attack, therefore, would incorporate both character assassination of Clarett AND allegations that Tressel is a win-at-all-costs cutthroat. If we can manufacture some front-page, national controversy we must not hesitate in doing so, even if the incident in question is a common occurence on any football team in the land. When our rhetoric is challenged, we must not back down in a sudden burst of shame. Shame be damned. We shall not permit some sense of decency to get in our way.

Many of you also may ask, "But will our fellow Buckeyes fall for it? It seems impossible to breed discontent at a time like this." True enough. But what seems impossible isn't always so. Buckeye fans show an amazing capacity for self-criticism, and are open to negative suggestions from outsiders.

While it is doubtful that we can stop our own fans from complaining about our team and its leadership, we have no doubt that you Buckeyes can help our cause by hurling abuse at your own. We simply cannot tolerate a happy Buckeye Nation.

Lend us your help in this great crusade. The Buckeye Nation must be an embittered one, so that our rhetoric is believed everywhere. With your assistance, we can look forward to that day when once again Michigan Men everywhere can chant with more confidence our sacred mantra, "You know how Ohio State fans are...You know how Ohio State fans are...You know how Ohio State fans are...")

Never, ever allow any kind words about your program to go unchallenged. You have received your marching orders. Now go to work!

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